Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
