you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
there is glitter all over my balls
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
