Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
