I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
