I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
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Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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