im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
