I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize