i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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