i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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