i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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