Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just invented taco cereal.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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