u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
false alarm, still single
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
