Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
