i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
