I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
