I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
