Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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