how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
