His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
