A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
