Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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