a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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