These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
