The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
