do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
