I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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