Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
