We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
