Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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