Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
