Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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