she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
