That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
