I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
