I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He shit in the fireplace
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
