I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.