Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.