thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
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She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
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The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.