Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Come on in and take your pants off
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