Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
