Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
