My underwear smells like fireworks.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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