I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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