I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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