True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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