The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
