4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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