I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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