I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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