all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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