Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
