i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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