i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
it was like eating out sand paper
Sober January is a disaster.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
