I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
