first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
