I wish they made helmets for livers.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
