Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
