So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
