Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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