Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
