I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
